Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Greatest Fear

Today as I was blog stalking I stumbled upon this story of a woman who has a daughter with down syndrome. Omygoodness. I seriously teared up reading it. Go there. Read it. Love it. Love her.
As you know, I'm nowhere near being a mother yet. Heck, I'm not even married. So it may seem strange to you that this post of hers (Kelle's) hit me so hard. Keep reading.
I'm very very excited to be a mom when that time comes. But you see...there's a bit of a problem. My dreams are tainted by a little something known as fear. It's not a fear of stretch marks or losing some of my freedom to do exactly what I want when I want to or even a fear of how badly it's going to hurt. No, it's none of those things. It's a fear that this magical thing, the gift of creation, may not happen for me. I know it's a long way in advance, but it scares me. A lot. Why? Let's rewind to my 18th birthday...

I had been having pains when I ran and worked out intensely for about a year. I don't mean the oh-that's-a-bit-uncomfortable pains, I mean the doubled-over-I-can't-breathe kind of pains. I didn't know what they were, all I knew was that I had a pretty high pain-tolerance and nothing physical had ever made me cry, at least not since I was old enough to recall, until now. If something hurts, I suck it up and push through it, that's just the way I am. So...I didn't tell anyone about the mystery pains. One day about 6 months after they had started dad decided he was going to bike with me as I ran a few miles out of town. I didn't even get to my two mile mark when it started to hurt. Dad could tell something was seriously wrong, I didn't just stop. Ever. He was pretty upset with me for not telling him and we set up a doctor's appointment. I had an ultrasound and we saw that I had a cyst on my ovaries. "You have very nice, pretty ovaries," the doctor told me. Umm. Gee. Thanks. So there it was. I had one measly cyst. No big deal. I could take that little sucker. I was given some medicine that was supposed to slowly reduce and eventually get rid of it and so I continued on with life and sports as I always had, waiting for the medicine to do its magic. Eventually I ran out of medicine and nothing had changed, the pains had only gotten worse. I didn't have too much faith in doctors, especially since this one had failed me, but finally after about a year my parents insisted that I tried another doctor, a specialist.
Hence the fateful 18th birthday doctors visit. Yes, I went to get this mess taken care of on my birthday. (I don't really have a great track record as far as celebrating my birthday goes.)
So I walk in with my darling mother, go into a room to wait as I'm instructed, and sit down on the little table-like thing. A woman doctor walks in, "Okay you're going to have to take off your pants. Put this sheet over you and let me know when you're ready."
Wait. Excuse me. What?! I know that lady didn't just tell me to take off my pants. But alas, she had. I'm pretty sure I shot daggers out of my eyes as I turned towards my mom. What sorta place had she brought me to? A brothel!?
"Don't look at me like I've tricked you, Sierra." My mom says.
"You did trick me! I didn't know we were coming to this kind of doctor!" I exclaimed.
"Well what kind of doctor were you expecting??"
"Um. A normal one where I'm not required to strip!"  Duh.
Eventually I did as I was told and the horrible woman, we'll call her la diabla, came back in and did her thing. But that wasn't it, oh no. After she was finished violating me and my pants were securely back on my body, I was taken to another room.
Walking through the hall I saw this pretty hot grad student. We made eye contact and he held my gaze, flashing a gorgeous smile. Happy Birthday to me! Then la diabla decided to ruin it by announcing to the world "You're going to come in here for your ultrasound, Sierra." Great. Well my mom couldn't have anyone thinking I was with child, so she turned to the god-like grad student and defensively blurted out, "She's not pregnant!" Needless to say the moment of magic was over and I hurriedly scuttled into the ultrasound room.
I was met by...a man doctor. He will be el diablo. They asked if it was okay if they didn't let the hot grad student in to watch. Was it okay?!? Are they kidding?! I didn't want him in there! El diablo did a rather..umm...intense ultrasound which was a bit uncomfortable since I was not "sexually active." The whole situation scared me so much and was so unbelievable uncomfortable and horrifying that I cried all the way through the examination. After that horribleness was over...more came. He told me that having one cyst on your ovaries wasn't that big of a deal and it was fairly common...then he told me that I had 55. My body was full of little sacks of acid that were bursting inside of me and every month a new one formed. I felt a great dislike for that body of mine, traitor that it was. It was like a great big water balloon fight inside of me...but with acid. And I couldn't fight back. Then he told me that I may not be able to have children...I was going to have to take birth control pills if I wanted to raise my chances at all. I hated taking those things. I felt dirty just having them in my purse but I took them. Because I wanted a family. I wanted it more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life.

Fast forward. I still want a family and I still want to be able to have children. Every time I hold a baby I don't want to give him/her back because he/she feels so right in my arms and I know, I know that I was meant to be a mom. I can't help but wonder...does this baby know my future children? What would he/she tell me if they could talk? It still scares me to know that I may not be able to get pregnant and create life myself. (As someone once said, that's something that we, as women, have in common with God. How amazing is that! I want to be able to have that experience!) I've thought about it a lot though and if I'm not meant to have my own children, then I will adopt. I know I will be able to love those babies just as much. I love any child I come in contact with! For now I'm just going to take things one step at a time and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. No matter what happens, I know that my Heavenly Father will take care of me as he has the family from the previously mentioned article. He knows each one of us individually and He knows what we can handle. He loves us...He loves me. This I know. No matter how scary things may get, He will help me through it. He will help you through it. As Jefferey R. Holland once said, "If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." How I love that man.

1 comment:

Natasha Louise said...

I wish I could give you a big fat hug after that! Jeffrey R. Holland has the wisest words for all different situations. Your a brave strong girl Sierra, I can tell that just from your ability to write that and the way you have. x