about this boy that I've been dating.
He's funny. He's freakin' smart. He's a compulsive movie-quoter. He's a great dancer. He longboards. He knows how to dress. He doesn't take himself too seriously. He drives a 40 minute round trip just to bring me soup and orange juice when I'm sick. He wants to be with me even when I'm doing homework and refuse to talk to him so that I can finish. He opens my door every. single. time. He knows the mistakes that I've made, the big ones, and respects me just the same. He takes me places where I can see the stars, places where I can read books that I read growing up, places that look like Nebraska; he takes me places that remind me of home. This boy is helping me check items off of my bucket list. He's the first to say, "Let's read scriptures whenever we're together." In two months, he already knows me better than almost anyone. Because he listens. And he pays attention. To every detail. He knows all of my different laughs and smiles and exactly what they mean. He notices things about me that I never even noticed about myself. He makes me feel intelligent. He makes me feel more confident than I ever have. He lets me be biased in thinking that I am from the best place in the world, that I have the best family, that I actually can be the best at something. Because everything isn't a competition. He is happy to just support me. He is so good to me, better than I ever thought I deserved. Probably better than I do deserve. He is patient with me. And even though I have told him that I don't love him, (because I don't believe that you can really love someone in that short period of time),this crazy boy still thinks that he wants to marry me. And when I tell him that I want to continue to date other people because, well, I just don't know what I want, he understands. He knows all about Seth, and he respects me for wanting to see him again before I make any decisions. And despite it all, he is willing to take that chance on me.
The truth is, I don't know what's going to happen. The truth is, I'm afraid of letting myself get too attached. The truth is, I'm leaving in a few months so if we're playing it safe, we've already become too close. The truth is, even though nothing may come of this relationship (or whatever you'd like to call it), I'm glad I have dated this boy. I know now how I want to be treated.
Sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth...I suppose that I've been too busy living life to stop and write about it. And by living life I mean going to bed way too late and waking up way too early. Oh the joys of being young. Too busy living. That's a pretty good problem to have if you ask me.
I'll give you a small update on how life has been: crazy.
I have deadlines almost every night and so I stress and stress to meet those...and by that point it's somewhere between 10:59pm and midnight. But then I usually end up hanging out with friends anyway for a couple more hours. And then I wake up at 7 and watch the girls and do it all over again day after day. That has been my life as of late. Some days I feel a little exhausted, but I'm keeping up pretty well. And it's worth it. I didn't just come to work and take online classes, I came here for the experience. So I'm going to get it.
Some of those deadlines, though, I don't mind. At all. I mentioned earlier that I had an internship writing for a bridal magazine, yes? Well after turning in my first piece, the editor said that she loved it so much she wanted me to write another article for her spring issue as well as the summer issue. So I hustled my butt off and wrote a second article. And now two of my pieces are going to be published within the next month. Am I ecstatic? Why yes. Yes I am. My foot is in the door. Thank you, Heavenly Father. Thank you.
Something else. I have this amazing friend here. He became my best friend right away and he already knows me better than most people I've known my entire life. Because he pays attention. I mention once that I'd like to do something, and he makes it happen; next month we're going skydiving. Just because I've always wanted to. Amazing? Um. Yeah.
So that's my life right now. It's pretty crazy, but it's pretty great. I am so glad I came. Because, even though I'm running on little sleep, rushing to meet deadlines and keep my grades up as well as keeping up with a baby and a two-year-old, I am happy. And I am very much alive.
Something you should know about me? I love food. A lot. I also love to work out.Sometimes, though, finding the time and energy and actually getting started is the hardest part. Hence the last 6 months.
I have never had to make myself work out. Ever. All the way through high school I was in sports every month of the year: volleyball, basketball, cheerleading, softball, and track. I had a reason to work. (Besides just looking good of course. Psh. Who wants that?)
It's not as if I haven't worked out at all, no I've done yoga and I've gone running and I've done sit ups; I'm way too conscious of the way my body feels if I don't. If I don't work out, the next day I just feel sick. Same thing if I eat greasy food. Their taste may be heavenly but the consequences aren't worth it. It's like my body is telling me that it hates me for being so dang lazy and stupid the day before. I have had that feeling way too often since this school year started. I haven't done enough. I haven't been consistent.
The truth of the matter is, I'm not afraid of others thinking I eat too much. Not at all, I can eat some pretty massive portions and I'm not ashamed to win an eating contest. I'm way too competitive for something like that. The problem is, I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm trying too hard. I hate being around the people who are tall and can eat whatever and stay super thin because, honestly, I can't. I'm 5'4". I've got big boobs and an even bigger butt. Yes. I've got curves. And I'm not ashamed of those either. But,odd as it may sound, I want others to think that I am the type who can eat whatever and stay thin. For some reason I want people to believe that looking good is effortless for me. Well guess what? It's not. I need to work out. Luckily, I like working out.
What I can't stand, though, is when I actually try to eat healthier and squeeze time in to exercise and people tell me, "Girl, you don't need to do that! Don't be self-conscious. You look great! Here have a slice of pizza! Actually, we know you. Have two or three!" So I eat a slice of pizza. Because I don't want anyone to think that my confidence is lacking. I don't want anyone to think that Sierra is losing her spark and going into a depression over her weight. No, that thought I can't stand. I know their intentions are good and that they are trying to help boost my confidence, which is awesome, but I'm a pretty confident person. I don't always need that. Sometimes I just need someone who says, "Oh you're trying to eat healthier? That's great! I totally respect that!" That's what I really need. Something to tell me that staying motivated isn't crazy, that eating healthy is smart not a lack of confidence to do otherwise.
I have gained 20 pounds in the last three years and I am not okay with it. So far I've lost 4 of those, but that's not very much. I still have 16 more to go. I'm not trying to lose that weight because I think I'm fat, because I don't. I just know that I am definitely not where I should be. I know what it feels like to be in great shape and to feel like I can do anything and run forever...and I miss that. So if you really want me to be happy, next time you see me trying to eat healthier, next time I say "no thank you," listen to me. I am happy eating healthy. Leave me be. I'm doing this for me.