Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Prayers to End a Relationship

Once again, there have been a lot of changes in my life. Some of them have been positive changes and some have been negative, no. I suppose they've all been good. Let me rephrase that. Some of them have been easy changes and others have been...very difficult.
I've continued writing for our local newspaper. I've written articles that I loved, articles that were okay, and I've written articles that will probably never be published even though those are my favorite ones. Apparently I'm too opinionated sometimes.
My sister and I have moved (mostly) into our apartment and are taking all of our clothes (which we have yet to pack) and moving down for good later this week.
That crazy boy that I've been dating took some family pictures for us and my sister and edited them and I quite like them if I do say so myself. (You can see a couple of them at my sister's blog over here along with part of an article that I wrote a few weeks ago.) Goodness I love my family. Ok, family pictures aren't really a change in my life but they were great.
Perhaps the biggest, most difficult change of all, though, was sending my boyfriend back to Arizona. It all started when we went on our first date and then we went to Californiawe became best friends and we started to fall in love, we continued dating and finally became exclusive. He loved me more than I have ever been loved. Every moment I spent with him felt like the lyrics to a summer love song. Did we have our struggles? You bet we did. It was one of the hardest relationships I've ever been in, not because he was such a hard guy to date but simply because we all have pasts and make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are difficult to grasp, a struggle to get past. But we did. He loved me despite and for and with my past mistakes and I loved him despite his. And we grew closer. And we built a relationship based on complete honesty and a solid friendship. Some days he drove me crazy and sometimes we'd fight but we'd always come to some sort of agreement and finished knowing that we loved one another and that it was okay to disagree. We had a full relationship in which we felt every emotion on the spectrum. He came to Nebraska with me and, though we both loved having him here, we both prayed about it and decided that the best thing for each of us was for him to go back to Arizona at the end of the summer. So...on Saturday I woke up, realized that it was my last day with him, and began to cry. On Sunday I drove him to the airport and watched as his plane took off. I cried most of that day as well. I could literally feel my heartbreaking but, you see, sometimes doing what's right isn't easy at all. You all know that already, but I don't think it really hits home until you have to act on a decision that you've prayed about...and it's not what you wanted or had in mind at all. But you do it anyway.  I'm so grateful for previous experiences of acting on faith that have prepared me to make this decision which I'm sure is simply another stepping stone preparing me to make an even greater leap of faith. I'm grateful that Tanner prayed about it as well and felt the same. It really helped having someone else who had received the prompting so I knew that I was making the right decision.
During our relationship I kept a lot of things pretty private and didn't share many of the details because, well, that was our business. I still won't share most of those things but I suppose I can offer some pictures so you can at least see what he looks like.

Since he's been back in Arizona we have Skyped twice until we both fell asleep and it's amazing how much it helped to lift my spirits. I love this boy. Maybe it was the timing. Maybe after our missions things will work out. But maybe they won't. Maybe I have yet to meet my future husband and that's okay. The first two days Tanner was gone were awful but I prayed to be comforted and reassured that I was making the right decision and you know what? I'm feeling better already. I still miss him, but I know that this is how things should be, at least for the time being. After that? Who knows.
Here's a thought: Maybe I should stop falling in love with guys who have yet to serve their missions. That would save me a lot of heartache. If there were anything else I could at least fight to make the relationship work but, when this is the cause, I cannot be so selfish. Just something for me to keep in mind for the future...since apparently I have a problem with that.
Also, thank you all so much for your support over the last few days. Your messages have really helped me to feel better about everything and to remember that I've made the right choice. You guys are the best!


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