Insomnia, Shortened Dreams, and Lifetime Roles

Pt. 1-Insomnia
You know those nights when it's late. And you're super tired. And you want to fall asleep. But you just can't? Yeah. Last night was one of those. I lay in bed at 3AM and just stared at the ceiling. Actually, that's not true. I stared at my pillow because I was sorta laying on my face. Comfy.
Regardless, I couldn't fall asleep? I had far too much on my mind. But nothing at the same time? It's as if I had a million thoughts racing through my mind but I wasn't really focusing on any of them. Am I spouting out nonsense here? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Probably not. 
Anyway, the things that were passing through my synapse (geek to the max) were mostly good things to be kept awake by, if there is such a thing. 
I thought of my mission. I thought of what articles I was going to send today (an editor for a nearby newspaper wanted to see some of my writings. Yay!). I thought of finally getting rid of the hiccups I'd had all day. I thought of the family trip that we will be leaving for tomorrow. I thought of many things but, eventually, I fell asleep.


Pt. 2-Shortened Dreams
At some point early this morning I began to dream a marvelous dream. Then I woke up before I was able to finish the awesomeness that it was. Why? Because I felt like I needed to blow my nose. Blow my freakin nose! Not even a worthy cause. I tried to will myself back into a slumber in which I finished the dream. But that didn't happen. Unfortunate.

Pt. 3-Lifetime Roles
I was reading over at The Dirt Life and I found a woman of mine own understanding. What I feel, what I want in this life? She gets it.
I want to travel this world. I want to write about it and take pictures of the different types of beauties. I want to get married and have my husband travel with me. I want to live different places while we're still young, experience different atmospheres. And then, when it's time to start a family, I want to get a little place in the country and I want to become a mom. I want to stay at home with my children, writing and taking photos whenever I can, taking photos of them. Writing of them. I want to put all of my heart and soul into things that I love, my pen, my camera, my family. I don't care about becoming a career woman but, when I say that, many get offended as if I am backhanding every woman's right activist that ever lived. Forgive me, that's not how I mean it at all. This is the way I am though. I was cut from a different cloth than you.
I am confident that my role in this life is to be a wife and a mother and I am excited to, someday, be able to focus on that. First, though, I need to thank my Heavenly Father for offering me that opportunity and give 18 months to him.

This Past Year...

A year ago today I said goodbye to a missionary. Many of you already know that, but a lot of you don't. It was a big deal for me. So, even though this blog isn't focused on that aspect of my life, I feel like it is blog worthy.

Things are very different now than they were a year ago and it really makes me wonder, where did the last 365 days go? I'm not complainin'...I'm just sayin'. It honestly flew by. So this is the time where most girls start planning their weddings and becoming sure of the fact that they will be married in a year and a half. I'm not there.

I would like to be able to say that I know exactly where I'll be in one year. I would like to be able to say that I even have a clue. But I can't. Because I don't.

I love it here in Arizona. I do. I love how many members there are out here. I love it. I love it. I love it. There are people who want me to stay here and not go back to Nebraska when summer rolls around. And there are others who want me back in Nebraska right now. There are people who want me to continue waiting, and there are those who don't. I obviously can't please everyone, nor should I try. The problem is this: I hate letting people down. I hate being the one to disappoint and, therefore, saying no is really difficult for me. But I'm getting there. I am learning to do things for me and I'm working on relying on my Heavenly Father to do so. It's this amazing new ability that I have: saying no. I'm not great at it yet, but I'm progressing. You'd think that being able to do things for myself would make life easier, less complicated. False: I'm only 20 years old. I have no idea what I want yet (I stole a page out of old Dwight Schrute's book). How does one figure that out? Everyone's advice? Do what makes you happy. But I'm a very happy person so that's a pretty large spectrum. I could be happy getting married. I could be happy finishing up school first. I could be happy studying abroad. I could be happy going on a mission. I could be happy going home to Nebraska. I could be happy staying here in Arizona. Heck, I've even thought about transferring out to BYU-Idaho and I could be happy there. The thing is, I am one of those people that is happy anywhere, and I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't make my decision making any easier. 

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Allow me to condense: I'm confused about every aspect of my life right now. So where I'll be in one year is a mystery. 

Today, being the milestone that it is, has caused me to reflect on the last year. A lot.

This past year I have grown more than the other 19 years of my life combined. This past year I have gone through every emotion on the scale. This past year I had my first apartment. I moved out of Nebraska for the first time. I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my education. I became a published writer. I cried and laughed and danced and screamed. I gained weight, I lost weight. I turned into a bit of a hippie (although let's be honest, I've always been that way). This past year offered me the opportunity to figure out who I was, even if who I am has no idea what she's doing. I discovered my passions, weaknesses, my strengths. I discovered that I love being spontaneous, traveling without plans and trying everything once. I love documenting every detail with my camera, my notepad, my memory. This past year I have gained confidence that I never knew I was capable of and I've learned to love others more fully. I've enjoyed what very well may be my favorite thing in the world: driving with my windows down, sun streaming in, hair flying loose and becoming tangled, radio turned all the way up, and singing at the top of my lungs. I have truly grown to appreciate being young and I don't want to throw away one single minute or wish for it to pass any faster than it already is. I learned to live and love life more than I ever have before. This past year...was incredible.

I Am Alive.

Sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth...I suppose that I've been too busy living life to stop and write about it. And by living life I mean going to bed way too late and waking up way too early. Oh the joys of being young. Too busy living. That's a pretty good problem to have if you ask me.
I'll give you a small update on how life has been: crazy.
I have deadlines almost every night and so I stress and stress to meet those...and by that point it's somewhere between 10:59pm and midnight. But then I usually end up hanging out with friends anyway for a couple more hours. And then I wake up at 7 and watch the girls and do it all over again day after day. That has been my life as of late. Some days I feel a little exhausted, but I'm keeping up pretty well. And it's worth it. I didn't just come to work and take online classes, I came here for the experience. So I'm going to get it.
Some of those deadlines, though, I don't mind. At all. I mentioned earlier that I had an internship writing for a bridal magazine, yes? Well after turning in my first piece, the editor said that she loved it so much she wanted me to write another article for her spring issue as well as the summer issue. So I hustled my butt off and wrote a second article. And now two of my pieces are going to be published within the next month. Am I ecstatic? Why yes. Yes I am. My foot is in the door. Thank you, Heavenly Father. Thank you.
Something else. I have this amazing friend here. He became my best friend right away and he already knows me better than most people I've known my entire life. Because he pays attention. I mention once that I'd like to do something, and he makes it happen; next month we're going skydiving. Just because I've always wanted to. Amazing? Um. Yeah.
So that's my life right now. It's pretty crazy, but it's pretty great. I am so glad I came. Because, even though I'm running on little sleep, rushing to meet deadlines and keep my grades up as well as keeping up with a baby and a two-year-old, I am happy. And I am very much alive.