Thursday, February 2, 2012

Shut it, pizza. I'm doin' this for me.

Something you should know about me? I love food. A lot. I also love to work out.Sometimes, though, finding the time and energy and actually getting started is the hardest part. Hence the last 6 months.
I have never had to make myself work out. Ever. All the way through high school I was in sports every month of the year: volleyball, basketball, cheerleading, softball, and track. I had a reason to work. (Besides just looking good of course. Psh. Who wants that?)
It's not as if I haven't worked out at all, no I've done yoga and I've gone running and I've done sit ups; I'm way too conscious of the way my body feels if I don't. If I don't work out, the next day I just feel sick. Same thing if I eat greasy food. Their taste may be heavenly but the consequences aren't worth it. It's like my body is telling me that it hates me for being so dang lazy and stupid the day before. I have had that feeling way too often since this school year started. I haven't done enough. I haven't been consistent.
 The truth of the matter is, I'm not afraid of others thinking I eat too much. Not at all, I can eat some pretty massive portions and I'm not ashamed to win an eating contest. I'm way too competitive for something like that. The problem is, I'm afraid of people thinking that I'm trying too hard. I hate being around the people who are tall and can eat whatever and stay super thin because, honestly, I can't. I'm 5'4". I've got big boobs and an even bigger butt. Yes. I've got curves. And I'm not ashamed of those either. But,odd as it may sound, I want others to think that I am the type who can eat whatever and stay thin. For some reason I want people to believe that looking good is effortless for me. Well guess what? It's not. I need to work out. Luckily, I like working out.
What I can't stand, though, is when I actually try to eat healthier and squeeze time in to exercise and people tell me, "Girl, you don't need to do that! Don't be self-conscious. You look great! Here have a slice of pizza! Actually, we know you. Have two or three!" So I eat a slice of pizza. Because I don't want anyone to think that my confidence is lacking. I don't want anyone to think that Sierra is losing her spark and going into a depression over her weight. No, that thought I can't stand. I know their intentions are good and that they are trying to help boost my confidence, which is awesome, but I'm a pretty confident person. I don't always need that. Sometimes I just need someone who says, "Oh you're trying to eat healthier? That's great! I totally respect that!" That's what I really need. Something to tell me that staying motivated isn't crazy, that eating healthy is smart not a lack of confidence to do otherwise.
I have gained 20 pounds in the last three years and I am not okay with it. So far I've lost 4 of those, but that's not very much. I still have 16 more to go. I'm not trying to lose that weight because I think I'm fat, because I don't. I just know that I am definitely not where I should be. I know what it feels like to be in great shape and to feel like I can do anything and run forever...and I miss that. So if you really want me to be happy, next time you see me trying to eat healthier, next time I say "no thank you," listen to me. I am happy eating healthy. Leave me be. I'm doing this for me.

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