Friday, March 2, 2012

This Past Year...

A year ago today I said goodbye to a missionary. Many of you already know that, but a lot of you don't. It was a big deal for me. So, even though this blog isn't focused on that aspect of my life, I feel like it is blog worthy.
Things are very different now than they were a year ago and it really makes me wonder, where did the last 365 days go? I'm not complainin'...I'm just sayin'. It honestly flew by. So this is the time where most girls start planning their weddings and becoming sure of the fact that they will be married in a year and a half. I'm not there.
I would like to be able to say that I know exactly where I'll be in one year. I would like to be able to say that I even have a clue. But I can't. Because I don't.
I love it here in Arizona. I do. I love how many members there are out here. I love it. I love it. I love it. There are people who want me to stay here and not go back to Nebraska when summer rolls around. And there are others who want me back in Nebraska right now. There are people who want me to continue waiting, and there are those who don't. I obviously can't please everyone, nor should I try. The problem is this: I hate letting people down. I hate being the one to disappoint and, therefore, saying no is really difficult for me. But I'm getting there. I am learning to do things for me and I'm working on relying on my Heavenly Father to do so. It's this amazing new ability that I have: saying no. I'm not great at it yet, but I'm progressing. You'd think that being able to do things for myself would make life easier, less complicated. False: I'm only 20 years old. I have no idea what I want yet (I stole a page out of old Dwight Schrute's book). How does one figure that out? Everyone's advice? Do what makes you happy. But I'm a very happy person so that's a pretty large spectrum. I could be happy getting married. I could be happy finishing up school first. I could be happy studying abroad. I could be happy going on a mission. I could be happy going home to Nebraska. I could be happy staying here in Arizona. Heck, I've even thought about transferring out to BYU-Idaho and I could be happy there. The thing is, I am one of those people that is happy anywhere, and I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't make my decision making any easier. 
Anyway, I'm just rambling. Allow me to condense: I'm confused about every aspect of my life right now. So where I'll be in one year is a mystery. 
Today, being the milestone that it is, has caused me to reflect on the last year. A lot.

This past year I have grown more than the other 19 years of my life combined. This past year I have gone through every emotion on the scale. This past year I had my first apartment. I moved out of Nebraska for the first time. I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my education. I became a published writer. I cried and laughed and danced and screamed. I gained weight, I lost weight. I turned into a bit of a hippie (although let's be honest, I've always been that way). This past year offered me the opportunity to figure out who I was, even if who I am has no idea what she's doing. I discovered my passions, weaknesses, my strengths. I discovered that I love being spontaneous, traveling without plans and trying everything once. I love documenting every detail with my camera, my notepad, my memory. This past year I have gained confidence that I never knew I was capable of and I've learned to love others more fully. I've enjoyed what very well may be my favorite thing in the world: driving with my windows down, sun streaming in, hair flying loose and becoming tangled, radio turned all the way up, and singing at the top of my lungs. I have truly grown to appreciate being young and I don't want to throw away one single minute or wish for it to pass any faster than it already is. I learned to live and love life more than I ever have before. This past year...was incredible.

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