Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Wish...

That I could go on a mission...and get married at the same time.
I don't necessarily want to get married right this second, but I don't know that I want to wait two, three years to even start to work towards it either. I mean, I guess I do. I am still choosing to serve a mission. But still. I want to fall in love. Head over heels, let's make this last for eternity love. I want to have adventures and make memories that last and that I will always be able to look back on with my husband. I want to have a family. Or at least I want the possibility that it could happen. That today I could meet the man I'm going to marry. That he may love me.
And then there are other days when I wonder, will I ever marry? Am I too ridiculously picky or will I, someday, find someone who I really want to spend an eternity with? Will I ever be a part of a relationship where I couldn't see myself with anyone else? A relationship where I don't occasionally wonder: Is this all there is? It's not that I've never been in love. I have. I have had quite a few wonderful relationships as well as way too many not-so-good ones. I have thought about marriage, talked about marriage, even looked at rings with a couple of really special guys. In the end though, I always get the feeling that this isn't "the one" for me. That something else is coming.
Maybe that's because I know I have yet to serve a mission?
Or maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic waiting to be swept off of my feet.
And I wonder if I'm asking for too much. If I'm even good enough to attract the type of person that I have in mind. I wonder if I'll ever love someone as much as they love me. I want to. Yet, I can't seem to make that happen. And I think that's because I already know that I'm leaving soon and that I won't be back for 18 months and that my focus will be somewhere much more important than planning a wedding. But I still wonder...I can't help it.
Is it bad to be so picky?
Is it bad that I'm even thinking about all of this as I prepare for my mission?

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